I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
