you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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