Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
