So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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