I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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