I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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