i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize