i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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