Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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