Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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