She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
