Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
