I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
