I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
