So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
