I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
