hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
