Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
