I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
