True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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