Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
