last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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