our cab driver is having phone sex.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
