Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
