i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
