Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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