Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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