i permit you to call me
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
