It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
