I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
