Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
