The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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