The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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