Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
