Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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