haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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