just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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