pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
