Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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