please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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