Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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