When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
