Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
