go do what you do best...puke behind churches
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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