U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
