I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize