can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
