hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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