Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
