Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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