i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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