i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize