he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
