The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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