I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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