HIV tests are more positive than that guy
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
