Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
