My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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