can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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