Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
