so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm always down for nudity.
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