There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
