your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
