Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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