I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
