I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize