the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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