I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
